Safe and Fat

So I'm super fat. WE all know it. I should post a pic, just in case you don't. But take my word for it. I am very large. And I don't hate myself for it, and I am actually pretty confident most of the time. I still go out with friends (who all happen to be a healthy weight), I still have a love life with my husband, I am not shy, a wallflower, afraid to meet new people. I haven't holed up in embarrassment or in an attempt to hide myself.

BUT.

Being fat is safe. It makes me safe. I am not a threat to anyone, nor does anyone perceive me as a threat. So I proceed with confidence, because I know no one is really worried about me, because I am a fat non-threat.

Now I didn't get fat for this reason. Being safe is just a byproduct of being fat. But I do wonder how I'll feel after the weight is gone.

Not sure what I am talking about? Let me give some examples.

Gorgeous hunk of hunk of a hunk of a single dad is picking up his child from preschool. I have no qualms making jokes, chit chat, starting up a conversation with him. NONE. Because I know HE MUST KNOW that there is no way this obese person would actually be hitting on him. Therefore, my fat gives me the freedom to be friendly without fear of rejection or of being misunderstood.

Girlfriends. Got lots, and love them. But girls can get catty. I know this. But I feel like NO ONE gets catty with me, because, well, not to be so harsh, I'm just fat ole me. NO one is comparing and measuring themselves to me. They know they've got me beat. This is actually great for me, because I am NOT worried how anyone thinks I look in a bathing suit, dress, shorts, whatever, because I know they already KNOW they look better than me, so there is no reason to check me out and judge.

Make sense?

So I realize now, being fat, I have more confidence than I did when I was 23 and a healthy weight. I compared myself then. I worried then. Now, I know I am at the point where no one is comparing to me. I am the biggest person n the room. I am not a threat. And so I can just be me.

I wonder, will I be less forward when I lose weight? Will I be afraid to talk to men for fear of them thinking I am hitting on them when I am not? Will I be afraid other women are comparing themselves to me and in turn start comparing myself to them? Will I worry others are judging what I wear, how I look, etc?

Being fat is not fun. But I have said for years now that I have more self confidence at 200+ lbs, make that 300+ now, than I ever had at 150. So I wonder, is it this fat that makes me feel so safe? I hope not. I hope I am dead wrong.