Friday, November 1, 2013

Waiting But Not

I have done all my preapproval stuff. It's been a year. I'm READY for this surgery and to start my NEW LIFE. My life where I run, and jump on trampolines, where I can walk as fast as my husband and where I fly on airplanes without fear of not fitting. My life where I don't huff and puff just getting out to check the mail and the life where I can go from sitting to standing without HOISTING myself up. The life where I shop at any ole store and kick Lane Bryant to the curb. The life where my blood pressure is normal and my diabetes is 100% in remission (I do manage it well though).

But I'm on hold. Unfortunately, my surgeon's wife is VERY ill. I think she might be terminal. He is on reduced hours and takes times of leave to be with her. I will wait. I cannot rush someone's life or sorrow. I'd do anything for one more day with my mom. I can't be ready for my new life at the expense of her life, of his forever changing. My heart breaks for him, and their grown children. Cancer can just flat out SUCK IT. Death can too.

But while I wait, I decided, grieving as I am, it is time to start being me again. Time to start getting dressed every day, putting on makeup, taking pride in my cute self and acting like a NORMAL person. I was always normal while fat, but this grief thing, well it knocked me down.

So yesterday I got a hair cut, and today I wore lipstick. And I went to lunch with girlfriends. So I did my thing. So instead of WAITING for my NEW life, today I enjoyed this one. The one where I struggle to walk, and get up, and I don't jump on trampolines. But I do have amazing friends, a beautiful daughter, and devoted and loving husband. Where I have faith in God and receive his grace. Where I am alive, and able to do for others and am able to love and give, and just be.

Because that won't always be. That is the part that sucks. But we can't let that part, the sucky death part, take away the beautiful life part.

And so here's me, in all my lipstick glory, with the shortest hair I've ever had. Pretty cute for a chubby girl, yeah?





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2 comments:

  1. TinaNovember 4, 2013 at 4:11 AM

    Congrats on your decision and I'm so sorry to hear you have to wait. You are doing the best possible thing you can do right now - being prepared! For 2-3 weeks before my surgery I lived like I was going to live after surgery - I followed a liquid diet, got rid of all my clothes and worked out like crazy. You will still run across some "sucky parts" after surgery but they will be few and far between. I'm so excited for your new life. I wish everyone could be given the chance to start over. Please reach out to me if you have any questions or if you just need to talk! Keep me posted on your surgery date too! tinatait@gmail

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