My girl.
She's the sweetest thing to me. She is my world, my sun. After losing my mom, this girl is what has kept me putting one foot in front of the other. This precious baby girl.
She's five.
She's oh so smart. Everyone thinks this about her child, but I am right.
She's oh so funny. She makes the wittiest jokes, the smartest little comments.
She's oh so kind. She snuggles me when I cry. This girl draws pictures for my mother, and puts them on her box of ashes. She takes care of me, just as I take care of her. That's family. That's my girl.
So anyway. . .
I'm freaking out.
I love, love, love her. And I know that love just won't die. I'll always love her. But I also know she's five. And well, five year olds just forget. We all do. But she has her whole life to forget me, if I'm gone.
I don't want her to forget the feel of my arms, the warmth of my snuggles as we cuddle at night. I don't want her to forget that I smooch on her nonstop or that I pick out a different favorite curl on her head every day. I don't her to forget everything or anything. You see, love doesn't die. But memories fade. I'm not afraid of dying. I am afraid of being forgotten by the most important girl in the world.
I was supposed to write letters for her, just in case. Just writing this blog has me so emotional though. I can't get past, "Sweet Mimi Girl," without losing it.
I know this is not the way of faith. That fear is lack of faith. I need to trust Jesus. But I'm new at this trusting thing, and it is a lot harder than it sounds. I trust that no matter what happens, He will provide for her. Yes. But that still doesn't mean I won't be gone.
So if you read this. Or stumble across it. If you know me. . . think of me and my girl. And if something ever did happen, please do me a big one! Please remind her. Please tell her, not just a year from now, but whenever you get the chance. Please tell her she was my girl.
I am 99.9% sure I am going to be just fine. I am just, and have always been, a worst case scenario girl. I'm going to be fine.
But just incase, she was MY girl.
You are going to be fine. You have to have faith in that.
ReplyDeleteBut I can tell you she won't forget. Death is inevitable for all of us. I think I am more afraid of pain than death. It has been 11 years and I haven't forgotten my grandmother's arms around me, or how soft her skin was, her unique laughter. One day, you will be gone, likely not soon, but your daughter won't forget.
Thanks Hollee. I miss my mom so much and know I'll never forget her either.
DeleteI won't let her forget. I'll tell her about how you were fierce. You love her with the fierceness that only a mama can have. She'll never forget that, Tara. She will know. And if she ever has questions, your tribe will remember you for her.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Becca. I know everyone just wants me to believe nothing bad will happen. And it probably won't. But what I really want is reassurance that no matter what happens, she will know. <3
ReplyDeleteTara, I'm going to comment from a different perspecive. I'm going to share a little of my story. When I was 5 yrs. old my father died unexpectedly of a heart attack. I was an only child & my daddy was my hero. But he left behind a heartfull of memories to last me a lifetime. Memories of sitting in his lap, cuddled up close & he would give me teaspoons of his coffee (sweetened with sugar & cream). The sound of his laughter that lit up a room. The way his eyes twinkled when he came home from work & on occasion would bring me a special surprise. I remember so many of them! My mother was amazed at how much I remembered of him since he died when I was so young, but oh yes, I do remember, and have gone on to share those memories with my chldren & grandchildren. Tara, I feel certain that God's hand of protection is upon you as you have surgery & He will give you His Peace. But I want to assure you that just as my father created so many precious memories for me, you have done that for Mia. She will remember, and you will continue to create new memories of special times spent together. My girls (and son) are all grown now, but yes,we're still creating new memories & you will too! Especially praying for you Tara as you have this surgery. I think it is only natural to experience some pre-surgery apprehension, but God will be with you & all will be well. Love & Hugs, Linda
ReplyDeleteMs. Linda I had no idea you lost your father so young. Thank you for sharing your memories of him. Thank you for your prayers too. :D
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