My Girl

My girl.

She's the sweetest thing to me. She is my world, my sun. After losing my mom, this girl is what has kept me putting one foot in front of the other. This precious baby girl.

She's five.

She's oh so smart. Everyone thinks this about her child, but I am right.

She's oh so funny. She makes the wittiest jokes, the smartest little comments.

She's oh so kind. She snuggles me when I cry. This girl draws pictures for my mother, and puts them on her box of ashes. She takes care of me, just as I take care of her. That's family. That's my girl.

So anyway. . .

I'm freaking out.

I love, love, love her. And I know that love just won't die. I'll always love her. But I also know she's five. And well, five year olds just forget. We all do. But she has her whole life to forget me, if I'm gone.

I don't want her to forget the feel of my arms, the warmth of my snuggles as we cuddle at night. I don't want her to forget that I smooch on her nonstop or that I pick out a different favorite curl on her head every day. I don't her to forget everything or anything. You see, love doesn't die. But memories fade. I'm not afraid of dying. I am afraid of being forgotten by the most important girl in the world.

I was supposed to write letters for her, just in case. Just writing this blog has me so emotional though. I can't get past, "Sweet Mimi Girl," without losing it.

I know this is not the way of faith. That fear is lack of faith. I need to trust Jesus. But I'm new at this trusting thing, and it is a lot harder than it sounds. I trust that no matter what happens, He will provide for her. Yes. But that still doesn't mean I won't be gone.

So if you read this. Or stumble across it. If you know me. . . think of me and my girl. And if something ever did happen, please do me a big one! Please remind her. Please tell her, not just a year from now, but whenever you get the chance. Please tell her she was my girl.

I am 99.9% sure I am going to be just fine. I am just, and have always been, a worst case scenario girl. I'm going to be fine.

But just incase, she was MY girl.

Ten Pounds

When I married I weighed 148lbs. My 15 year wedding anniversary was 11 days ago. So basically 10 pounds a year. Although that is not necessarily how it came about.

10 pounds a year, and I am now obese. 10 pounds a year, and unloading the dishwasher hurts. 10 pounds a year and I huff and puff. 10 pounds a year, and trampolines and bicycles and go-karts and horseback riding and all the other cool five year old things are off limits to me. 10 pounds a year to high blood pressure and diabetes. 10 pounds a year and I no longer recognize myself.

I did this to myself. 10 pounds at a time. Year after year.

I vow, weight loss surgery or not, there will not be another 10 pounds. The self abuse must stop.

So anyway. No weight loss resolutions. No diet. No crazy plans this 2014 to get it right. I see that hasn't worked any other year. In fact, it has done the opposite. This year, I just want to work on being happy. I want to work on forgiving myself for past mistakes, screw-ups, whatever you want to call those 10 pounds increments. I want to continue to heal and learn to make my way in the world motherless. I want to continue reaching out to others with kindness and an open heart, as so many have done to me this past year. I want to continue to strengthen my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

And good golly, I want to get approved for my WLS! :taps foot:

Goodnight 2013. You really weren't so great, so I am going to skip midnight and call it a year now.


I realize this blog is all over the place. One post about WLS one about my mom, one about service work. Back and forth. I am going to try and start focusing more on WLS and obesity angle, but must admit, that my depression and grief and changing mindset are such a huge part of my life right now, I cannot separate them. But I also realize reading my constant sobs is probably not entertaining or motivating for anyone. Eh, tough.