So I'm super fat. WE all know it. I should post a pic, just in case you don't. But take my word for it. I am very large. And I don't hate myself for it, and I am actually pretty confident most of the time. I still go out with friends (who all happen to be a healthy weight), I still have a love life with my husband, I am not shy, a wallflower, afraid to meet new people. I haven't holed up in embarrassment or in an attempt to hide myself.
BUT.
Being fat is safe. It makes me safe. I am not a threat to anyone, nor does anyone perceive me as a threat. So I proceed with confidence, because I know no one is really worried about me, because I am a fat non-threat.
Now I didn't get fat for this reason. Being safe is just a byproduct of being fat. But I do wonder how I'll feel after the weight is gone.
Not sure what I am talking about? Let me give some examples.
Gorgeous hunk of hunk of a hunk of a single dad is picking up his child from preschool. I have no qualms making jokes, chit chat, starting up a conversation with him. NONE. Because I know HE MUST KNOW that there is no way this obese person would actually be hitting on him. Therefore, my fat gives me the freedom to be friendly without fear of rejection or of being misunderstood.
Girlfriends. Got lots, and love them. But girls can get catty. I know this. But I feel like NO ONE gets catty with me, because, well, not to be so harsh, I'm just fat ole me. NO one is comparing and measuring themselves to me. They know they've got me beat. This is actually great for me, because I am NOT worried how anyone thinks I look in a bathing suit, dress, shorts, whatever, because I know they already KNOW they look better than me, so there is no reason to check me out and judge.
Make sense?
So I realize now, being fat, I have more confidence than I did when I was 23 and a healthy weight. I compared myself then. I worried then. Now, I know I am at the point where no one is comparing to me. I am the biggest person n the room. I am not a threat. And so I can just be me.
I wonder, will I be less forward when I lose weight? Will I be afraid to talk to men for fear of them thinking I am hitting on them when I am not? Will I be afraid other women are comparing themselves to me and in turn start comparing myself to them? Will I worry others are judging what I wear, how I look, etc?
Being fat is not fun. But I have said for years now that I have more self confidence at 200+ lbs, make that 300+ now, than I ever had at 150. So I wonder, is it this fat that makes me feel so safe? I hope not. I hope I am dead wrong.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
It's getting real
I had my first surgical consult. I actually did not meet the surgeon, as he is on bereavement leave. I met with his PA who I really liked, except for one BIG thing he did, which I shall share in a bit.
Good news: they think I am an excellent candidate, all my ducks are
Good news: they think I am an excellent candidate, all my ducks are
in a row, and within two weeks I should be able to file for insurance approval. I have three appointments next week and one the following, as well as some lab work and an ekg and I'm done! I had previously decided I wanted the gastric sleeve as opposed to gastric bypass for a variety of reasons. My number ONE reason is less chance of reactive hypoglycemia, which I truly believe is what killed my mother. However, the PA thinks I SHOULD go with the bypass due to diabetes and large amount of weight needed to be lost. However, my diabetes is VERY controlled right now, my numbers are actually in a normal range. :D So I am undecided but still leaning toward the sleeve. I can change my mind up to the day of surgery.
Now, what did this otherwise awesome PA do that absolutely mortified me? He told J THE number. The number no woman likes to discuss. The number many women lie about, the number that I have been so ashamed to tell, the number I never thought I could possibly be up to. THE NUMBER 312. Yep. He told. After I specifically said that my husband does not know the number nor does he need to. It was an "accident" but he was not even slightly apologetic. Now, my hubs doesn't care about the number. He loves me. All 312lbs of me. :D BUT I CARE. It just wasn't cool. I wanted to just vanish I was so humiliated.
But in a way, that humiliation was freeing. Now that Jason, the person I want approval from the most, knows this number and doesn't care, it is like I don't have to hide it anymore. I can tell anyone. Everyone. He doesn't define me by that number, and neither should I, and neither should anyone else. So yeah, I'm obese. And yeah, I weigh over 300lbs, and I'm going to hold my head up anyway. And I will look anyone straight in the eye and say it, without shame or fear of judgment. It is what it is.
Oh, and here's texts between J and I just a couple weeks prior in regards to telling him about my weight. He's really awesome.
And yes, I call my husband J-Dawg.
Now, what did this otherwise awesome PA do that absolutely mortified me? He told J THE number. The number no woman likes to discuss. The number many women lie about, the number that I have been so ashamed to tell, the number I never thought I could possibly be up to. THE NUMBER 312. Yep. He told. After I specifically said that my husband does not know the number nor does he need to. It was an "accident" but he was not even slightly apologetic. Now, my hubs doesn't care about the number. He loves me. All 312lbs of me. :D BUT I CARE. It just wasn't cool. I wanted to just vanish I was so humiliated.
But in a way, that humiliation was freeing. Now that Jason, the person I want approval from the most, knows this number and doesn't care, it is like I don't have to hide it anymore. I can tell anyone. Everyone. He doesn't define me by that number, and neither should I, and neither should anyone else. So yeah, I'm obese. And yeah, I weigh over 300lbs, and I'm going to hold my head up anyway. And I will look anyone straight in the eye and say it, without shame or fear of judgment. It is what it is.
Oh, and here's texts between J and I just a couple weeks prior in regards to telling him about my weight. He's really awesome.
And yes, I call my husband J-Dawg.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
That Time of Year is Coming
The time of year filled with celebrations for our family. It goes like this:
My mom's bday 10-18
Halloween 10-31
Mimi's bday 11-4
J's bday 11-23
Thanksgiving 11-?
Our anniversary (15 YERARS!) 12-20
Christmas 12-25
My birthday 12-31
And so normally fall/early winter is my MOST FAVORITE time of the year.
I am so not looking forward to it. How can I plan a party for my daughter without my mom? How can I go Christmas shopping without her on my list? How can I wake up on my birthday to her NOT singing to me on the phone? How can we not makes sweet potatoes and turkey together? HOW? It just doesn't seem possible. None of this is ever going to be as good. None of this is ever going to be the same. Ever. I freaking hate forever. :(
Let's just call the whole thing off.
My mom's bday 10-18
Halloween 10-31
Mimi's bday 11-4
J's bday 11-23
Thanksgiving 11-?
Our anniversary (15 YERARS!) 12-20
Christmas 12-25
My birthday 12-31
And so normally fall/early winter is my MOST FAVORITE time of the year.
I am so not looking forward to it. How can I plan a party for my daughter without my mom? How can I go Christmas shopping without her on my list? How can I wake up on my birthday to her NOT singing to me on the phone? How can we not makes sweet potatoes and turkey together? HOW? It just doesn't seem possible. None of this is ever going to be as good. None of this is ever going to be the same. Ever. I freaking hate forever. :(
Let's just call the whole thing off.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Bouncing Around
I keep losing and gaining the same 10lbs over and over again. Ugh. I am just so not able to commit. What is my problem? I am sick of this.
In other news, therapy is going well, and I am getting a bit better. I might not blog about any of this stuff anymore, just because I realize now I get wayyyyy too wrapped up in online stuff and that this blog could ultimately lead to more of that. I have checked in on FB, but am still overall off. I need to stayyyyy offfffff. But maybe I will. I do like posting and thinking about it all. Pretty sure no one is reading either, so that makes it hard to get to crazy. :D
Took my best girlie and one of the dogs for a walk at the park the other day. Good grief, such a short walk (hilly though) and my lower back was screaming by the end. I need to get this weight off. A walk in the park should be exactly that, a walk in the park. Not the work it was.
Finally meeting surgeon on Tuesday. Hoping that all will go well. Still have several more requirements to meet, but I can't do those until this appointment. I am still hopeful I can have a date by the end of the year, but it isn't looking like that will happen. It makes it hard not knowing. I wanted to sign up for some activities at the girlie's preschool, but I have no idea what will be going on 3 months from now, so I don't want to commit to something and then have to cancel.
Have a great weekend all.
In other news, therapy is going well, and I am getting a bit better. I might not blog about any of this stuff anymore, just because I realize now I get wayyyyy too wrapped up in online stuff and that this blog could ultimately lead to more of that. I have checked in on FB, but am still overall off. I need to stayyyyy offfffff. But maybe I will. I do like posting and thinking about it all. Pretty sure no one is reading either, so that makes it hard to get to crazy. :D
Took my best girlie and one of the dogs for a walk at the park the other day. Good grief, such a short walk (hilly though) and my lower back was screaming by the end. I need to get this weight off. A walk in the park should be exactly that, a walk in the park. Not the work it was.
Finally meeting surgeon on Tuesday. Hoping that all will go well. Still have several more requirements to meet, but I can't do those until this appointment. I am still hopeful I can have a date by the end of the year, but it isn't looking like that will happen. It makes it hard not knowing. I wanted to sign up for some activities at the girlie's preschool, but I have no idea what will be going on 3 months from now, so I don't want to commit to something and then have to cancel.
Have a great weekend all.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Mixed up Monday
This weekend was okay.
We visited with J's family on Saturday. After losing my mom, I struggle being around his family. Not because they aren't great, they are. But more I just feel lonely without MY FAMILY, which was my mom. Yes, I love my husband, and his family is my family, but it's not the same, and never can be. I am jealous that his mom gets to play with my daughter, and my mom doesn't.
My therapist wants me to write a brief biography of my mom's life, and end with an obituary. I don't want to. I am still at the stage where thinking about her hurts. BAD. I can only think how much I miss her, not actually about her. I can't look at pictures, I can't tell stories. I just can't. But I am going to try. She's a good therapist, and I trust her.
I am going to try and go the gym every evening at 6. I don't have to workout all crazy, but I just want to establish the routine and habit, and also kill some boredom time. J has been working a lot of hours, and usually by the time he gets home I am super depressed just from being alone all day. So the days he can, he'll meet me there, and the days he can't, I'll be on my own. I feel guilty to put my girlie in the gym care center so much, but I really need to do something as just sitting at home and letting her watch t.v. or do whatever aren't so great ether. At least this way I'll be getting out of the house and doing something, and she can hopefully play with other kids and enjoy it.
Whipped myself up a protein shake for breakfast, and am about to start meal planning. I am trying to switch over to eating more lean protein, as that will be necessary after surgery.
Today I scrubbed the tub, and it exhausted me. My back hurt, I was panting and needed to take breaks. You know you're out of shape when simple house hold chores take that much out of you. I was reading somewhere, how for years, we slide, and slide, get heavier and heavier, and not notice the REAL change in our lives. Then BOOM, all of a sudden, our obesity impacts everything we do. It's true. For years and years I got bigger and bigger, but I could still clean the tub. Now it's hard. Obesity has taken over my life. It's time.
So if you read all that, thanks. :D
We visited with J's family on Saturday. After losing my mom, I struggle being around his family. Not because they aren't great, they are. But more I just feel lonely without MY FAMILY, which was my mom. Yes, I love my husband, and his family is my family, but it's not the same, and never can be. I am jealous that his mom gets to play with my daughter, and my mom doesn't.
My therapist wants me to write a brief biography of my mom's life, and end with an obituary. I don't want to. I am still at the stage where thinking about her hurts. BAD. I can only think how much I miss her, not actually about her. I can't look at pictures, I can't tell stories. I just can't. But I am going to try. She's a good therapist, and I trust her.
I am going to try and go the gym every evening at 6. I don't have to workout all crazy, but I just want to establish the routine and habit, and also kill some boredom time. J has been working a lot of hours, and usually by the time he gets home I am super depressed just from being alone all day. So the days he can, he'll meet me there, and the days he can't, I'll be on my own. I feel guilty to put my girlie in the gym care center so much, but I really need to do something as just sitting at home and letting her watch t.v. or do whatever aren't so great ether. At least this way I'll be getting out of the house and doing something, and she can hopefully play with other kids and enjoy it.
Whipped myself up a protein shake for breakfast, and am about to start meal planning. I am trying to switch over to eating more lean protein, as that will be necessary after surgery.
Today I scrubbed the tub, and it exhausted me. My back hurt, I was panting and needed to take breaks. You know you're out of shape when simple house hold chores take that much out of you. I was reading somewhere, how for years, we slide, and slide, get heavier and heavier, and not notice the REAL change in our lives. Then BOOM, all of a sudden, our obesity impacts everything we do. It's true. For years and years I got bigger and bigger, but I could still clean the tub. Now it's hard. Obesity has taken over my life. It's time.
So if you read all that, thanks. :D
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Rescheduled Appointment
My surgeon had a family emergency so I did not meet with him on the 4th as expected. I was rescheduled for the 17th. UGH. I really just want to meet him so I can get my questions answered.
IN other news, I've decided to give up FB. I am totally addicted and it is consuming my life. I am arguing with people, getting overly emotional and posting ridiculous stuff, chatting while under the influence and just all around behaving like a jackass. I have isolated my self from local friends and begun to rely too heavily on internet friends (whom I love). I'm only two days out, but feel this is a good plan. Maybe I'll go back, but I think with my addictive personality, I need to just let it go. My life will thank me.
Feeling blue, stressed and blah, but knowing I'm going to get better, eventually.
IN other news, I've decided to give up FB. I am totally addicted and it is consuming my life. I am arguing with people, getting overly emotional and posting ridiculous stuff, chatting while under the influence and just all around behaving like a jackass. I have isolated my self from local friends and begun to rely too heavily on internet friends (whom I love). I'm only two days out, but feel this is a good plan. Maybe I'll go back, but I think with my addictive personality, I need to just let it go. My life will thank me.
Feeling blue, stressed and blah, but knowing I'm going to get better, eventually.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Gettng Help
So I started grief therapy two weeks ago. Not much has changed in the two weeks, but I feel good about the therapy and the therapist. I was afraid to reach out to a total stranger, but she is amazing. She was so warm, caring and kind. I could see the sympathy (not pity) in her every facial expression and she just genuinely seemed to care. She thinks she can help me tackle my grief and then later we will work on my birthday cake eating issues.
One of the most AWESOME parts of having a therapist is I can cry, and snot everywhere, and not worry about making the other person uncomfortable. Normally, I cry a few minutes but try to get it under control. I know I am making someone uncomfortable. But with her, I know she's not, and we talk through it. It feels good to be snotty and gross with someone. I'm not a loner, and don't like grieving alone. It has been hard not having brother or sister, or really anyone to through this with.
IN WLS news, I have finished my insurance required 6 month supervised weight loss trial, and have my first appointment with my surgeon tomorrow! It will still be several months before surgery, as have other requirements, but I am excited to take the next step. I've also started to go, albeit sporadically, to the gym. The hubs has even joined with me. Hoping to be half marathon training again by this time next year! :D Or maybe I'll wait until October, as this humidity is fierce.
One of the most AWESOME parts of having a therapist is I can cry, and snot everywhere, and not worry about making the other person uncomfortable. Normally, I cry a few minutes but try to get it under control. I know I am making someone uncomfortable. But with her, I know she's not, and we talk through it. It feels good to be snotty and gross with someone. I'm not a loner, and don't like grieving alone. It has been hard not having brother or sister, or really anyone to through this with.
IN WLS news, I have finished my insurance required 6 month supervised weight loss trial, and have my first appointment with my surgeon tomorrow! It will still be several months before surgery, as have other requirements, but I am excited to take the next step. I've also started to go, albeit sporadically, to the gym. The hubs has even joined with me. Hoping to be half marathon training again by this time next year! :D Or maybe I'll wait until October, as this humidity is fierce.
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