Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Done deal

So after debating in my mind nonstop. Between the gastric sleeve and the gastric bypass surgery,  I have finally decided and feel comfortable with this decision. 
I spoke with my surgeon for quite some time today and although I was prepared to argue with him I just could not   His reasons for the bypass in favor of the sleeve were compelling and honest. I 100 hundred percent believe he has my best interests at heart. So I am going to take his advice.

I still have a few hoops to jump through and waiting on insurance approval however it is very likely that I will have surgery sometime in January! A new year with the new me! 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The price you pay for love

is grief.


I read this on some random quote board on Pinterest (because you can find the answer to all of life's problems there). It resonates with me.

If there was no love, there is no grief.

If there was a little love, there is little grief.

If there was some love, there is some grief.

If there was a lot of love, there is a lot of grief.

If there was great love, there is great grief.

And if it was even more than that, well then, there is THIS. This feeling I have right now.

So, I guess it's worth it. It's the price you pay.

I miss you Mom.

Monday, October 7, 2013

She Let Go

I want this. I just want to let go. To be. To release myself from myself. From my grief, my doubt, my fears, my insecurities, my everything. I want to let go.





She Let Go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a
book on how to let go… She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyse whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There’s only one guru ~ you.

The author of this poem is unclear. A few sites list Ernest Holmes as the author, another Jennifer Eckert Bernau and still another Rev. Safire Rose.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Oh the humiliation

of being obese!

I usually am not ashamed of my appearance. I don't worry what others think of my size. I don't like being fat, but I don't worry if others notice. I mean, it is what it is. Every once in a while I get worried about it, if I am seeing someone who hasn't seen me in a long time, but really, overall, I'm fine.

But today. Oh today I had to get a chest x-ray as part of the pre-op procedure. A chest x-ray includes standing up, with NO BRA on. And letting a person take pictures. Now you do have a gown on. But let me tell you, when you wear a 42J a gown ain't hiding much.
In case you aren't sure what a 42J looks like, here ya go!


Now don't worry if you know me in person. That is NOT MY ACTUAL bra. ;)

Anyway, enough about the girls. here's the real kicker. The tech was oh so handsome! Mid to late twenties, tall, curly hair, gorgeous smile, lovely personality. Oh ten years ago. . . wait, I was married ten years ago. Edit that to oh 15 years ago. . . Anyway, I had to let them hang low, while he pushed me up against a board and then, horror of horrors, I had to turn side ways. There was no hiding the damage then. All in all, I was so embarrassed, but this guy was so nice about it. Perfect bedside manner.

He asked me what type of surgery I was having, and I said, "Gastric Bypass, so cute boys like you will look twice at me. But don't, because I'm a married woman." He chuckled. And then let me go put my bra back on.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

October

10-18-48
That's the day my mom was born. She died almost six months ago. My grief is, well, it is my grief. I never knew what it was before, but now I do.

So to cope with this month, I have a few things up my sleeve to honor my mom.

My mom loved to shop. She loved to buy presents. She loved to get presents. Every year I would agonize over what to get her, always wanting it to be the perfect gift. This year, I don't get to do that. So instead, I have decided I will buy someone else a gift. There are no rules. I can buy the gift for whomever I want, friend, family member, stranger, anyone. I will give them the gift in honor of my mom's birthday. This will happen every year.

This year's gift will go to an acquaintance. We run in the same circle so to speak, but are not very close. I like her, I think she likes me, but that's about as far as it goes. A few weeks ago, a mutual friend of ours, who is much closer to her than I am, mentioned that this person, let's call her E, wanted an ice cream maker because she wanted to make fresh ice cream with raw milk, something you definitely cannot buy. Now, when I was a child we had 14 goats at one time, five of which were milkers. That's a LOT of milk. So one summer, my mom and I made homemade ice cream almost EVERY single day. We tried so many different flavors. We used the old fashioned hand crank kind and it was FUN. This is a tradition I plan (and have) passed down to my daughter. Every summer we make ice cream the old fashioned way. So E seemed to be the perfect person to gift this year. Also, she is a member of the "dead mom" club. So I feel it was serendipitous that this all came together. So she will be meeting me on October 17th for lunch, where I plan to gift her a new ice cream maker (actually it is an attachment for her Kitchen Aid). I hope she likes it. And since she has lost her mom, I think she will understand my need to do this and not feel uncomfortable.

Now, for the rest of the month. October is my mom's birthday month. I refuse to let her month be all sadness. Yes, there will be sadness because I miss her like freaking crazy and it hurts to breath when I think too much about her, but I want there to be some joy. So for the month of October, I am honoring my mom's birthday month with a daily random act of kindness. My mom taught me a love of reading when I was young, so today's gift was I gifted a book to the first person on FB to respond to my post. The amazing part was this person asked for the book Love You Forever. Which is a children's book that will leave you teary. It leaves me in sobs, as I read it at my mom's funeral. Why? Because love never dies. The love my mama taught me, well, it keeps on going. Forever.
Want to cry along with me?
You can get your very own copy here.
What's one memory you have of your mom? Share. <3