Mixed up Monday

This weekend was okay.

We visited with J's family on Saturday. After losing my mom, I struggle being around his family. Not because they aren't great, they are. But more I just feel lonely without MY FAMILY, which was my mom. Yes, I love my husband, and his family is my family, but it's not the same, and never can be. I am jealous that his mom gets to play with my daughter, and my mom doesn't.

My therapist wants me to write a brief biography of my mom's life, and end with an obituary. I don't want to. I am still at the stage where thinking about her hurts. BAD. I can only think how much I miss her, not actually about her. I can't look at pictures, I can't tell stories. I just can't. But I am going to try. She's a good therapist, and I trust her.

I am going to try and go the gym every evening at 6. I don't have to workout all crazy, but I just want to establish the routine and habit, and also kill some boredom time. J has been working a lot of hours, and usually by the time he gets home I am super depressed just from being alone all day. So the days he can, he'll meet me there, and the days he can't, I'll be on my own. I feel guilty to put my girlie in the gym care center so much, but I really need to do something as just sitting at home and letting her watch t.v. or do whatever aren't so great ether. At least this way I'll be getting out of the house and doing something, and she can hopefully play with other kids and enjoy it.

Whipped myself up a protein shake for breakfast, and am about to start meal planning. I am trying to switch over to eating more lean protein, as that will be necessary after surgery.

Today I scrubbed the tub, and it exhausted me. My back hurt, I was panting and needed to take breaks. You know you're out of shape when simple house hold chores take that much out of you. I was reading somewhere, how for years, we slide, and slide, get heavier and heavier, and not notice the REAL change in our lives. Then BOOM, all of a sudden, our obesity impacts everything we do. It's true. For years and years I got bigger and bigger, but I could still clean the tub. Now it's hard. Obesity has taken over my life. It's time.

So if you read all that, thanks. :D