Ten Pounds

When I married I weighed 148lbs. My 15 year wedding anniversary was 11 days ago. So basically 10 pounds a year. Although that is not necessarily how it came about.

10 pounds a year, and I am now obese. 10 pounds a year, and unloading the dishwasher hurts. 10 pounds a year and I huff and puff. 10 pounds a year, and trampolines and bicycles and go-karts and horseback riding and all the other cool five year old things are off limits to me. 10 pounds a year to high blood pressure and diabetes. 10 pounds a year and I no longer recognize myself.

I did this to myself. 10 pounds at a time. Year after year.

I vow, weight loss surgery or not, there will not be another 10 pounds. The self abuse must stop.

So anyway. No weight loss resolutions. No diet. No crazy plans this 2014 to get it right. I see that hasn't worked any other year. In fact, it has done the opposite. This year, I just want to work on being happy. I want to work on forgiving myself for past mistakes, screw-ups, whatever you want to call those 10 pounds increments. I want to continue to heal and learn to make my way in the world motherless. I want to continue reaching out to others with kindness and an open heart, as so many have done to me this past year. I want to continue to strengthen my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

And good golly, I want to get approved for my WLS! :taps foot:

Goodnight 2013. You really weren't so great, so I am going to skip midnight and call it a year now.


I realize this blog is all over the place. One post about WLS one about my mom, one about service work. Back and forth. I am going to try and start focusing more on WLS and obesity angle, but must admit, that my depression and grief and changing mindset are such a huge part of my life right now, I cannot separate them. But I also realize reading my constant sobs is probably not entertaining or motivating for anyone. Eh, tough.

Ooooh Baby, It's making me crazy

The insurance run around, that is. Am I approved or not??? They are missing this piece of paper, that piece of paper, yada, yada, yada. One representative tells me she can't see what is needed, the next can, but not if it has been submitted. It is like throwing the dice each time I call. I just want to know! I know Dr. Lord will not preform surgery on me for quite some time as he is backed up, I just want to know if it is covered. This ain't cheap. Average cost is $34,000. Not pocket change.

I am having this surgery. I am having this surgery. I am having this surgery.

I need to give this worry up to God.

God, you know what is best for me, my health and my family. If it is your will that I have this surgery, please oh please let insurance come through for me. Help me find peace in knowing that it is in YOUR hands now, and completely out of my control. Help me let this nagging worry GO! Give me peace and calm so I can enjoy my family and stop fixating on this. If it is not approved, and it is your will for me to have this surgery, I know we will find a way for it to be covered. I give it up to you, KNOW. Amen.

Okay, so that's done. No more worrying for me. I give it UP to our God who is strong enough to easily bear this burden for me.

This IS IT

This is it. This is it.
This is life the one you get.
So go on and have a ball.

Some old 80's show theme song. We watched it. WE loved it. It rang true. You only get one life. It's happening right now. While I am trying to figure out what to do with my life, my life is happening. This is, in fact, IT.


My daughter gets one Christmas as a 5 year old, and THIS IS IT.
And I get one first Christmas without my mom. THIS IS IT.

I will turn 39 this month. My mom will not sing happy birthday to me over the phone or in person. This is it.
But my daughter will make me a card, and wants to make me a strawberry tart, and will sing to me, and love me something fierce. My husband will hold me as I cry from my grief broken heart.

It is hard to reconcile that This is IT, when it is so much pain, so much sadness, so many tears and screams and madwoman cursings. BUT it is also love and cuddles, smiles and presents, the gift of motherhood, a husband who is strong and steady by my side. Friends who give me grace during this hard time in my life. This is it. Helping and serving others, making a difference, learning to pray all over again.

All of it, is it. And so half the time I don't know if I am feeling happy, sad or a whole other range of emotions between the two. This is my life now. I don't get another one and I can't get the old one back. I don't like this one as much as I liked the old one, but I love too much of this one to just chuck it.

So that means, time to accept it. This is it. this is the life I get. And I need to go on and have a ball.

Okay, so now how to do that. That will be a whole new post. But it must start by service. If my life has fallen apart, and I can't get it back, then I get to put it back together the way I want to. Service will be the glue of piecing my life back together.


I will be living it up at Waterfront Rescue Mission Christmas morning so we can deliver meals to homebound folks and then join in on the meal at the center so we can fellowship and encourage others in need. So This Christmas looks nothing like Christmas of my past, but it certainly looks like a worthy Christmas for the future. So maybe, This is it. This call for service into the future. My life.

So is Tara Really Having Surgery?

because she ain't said nothing about it in a long time.

Yes, I am still planning on having weight loss surgery. I have a follow up appointment from my endoscopy on the 17th. My paperwork has been submitted to insurance for approval. That could take anywhere from 2-6 weeks. I am guessing I will be approved from the start as I have all my paperwork done correctly and meet all the criteria. If I don't get approval, I will appeal, and then most likely get it.

Gooooood grief, this has taken over a year. The longest year of my life. Not just waiting on surgery. I lost my mom, I finally gave up on trying to conceive another child, my daughter started school, I constantly fight with depression. 38 has not been kind to me. But I have learned that I am strong, that I am loved, that I can do more good than I ever thought possible, and that I am a fighter. Painful lessons to learn, yet learned all the same.

Anyway, looking at probably March.

But what will I do if I'm denied? Probably stay fat forever, or maybe go on a diet. Which essentially means, staying fat forever, because I've been on a diet for 12 years now, and it hasn't done a whole lotta good.

Some people say weight loss surgery is the easy way out. That it's a free ride, and we (fat people) should do the work to lose the weight. I'd like to agree. I wish it were so simple. I wish that morbidly obese people had a better success rate than 2% of losing and maintaining significant weight loss without surgery. I wish that I had the will power to feel hungry all the time and not go nuts. Because you do know, that to lose 140lbs, I would have to be really hungry for a really long time. I'm no mathematician, but I am guessing that I'd have to maintain a diet of like five hundred calories per day for like a year. I wish that exercise actually yielded the results so many claim it does, but the truth is exercise is more about weight maintenance than it is about weight loss. I wish, I wish, I wish.

But I'm down for taking the easy way out right now. The other stuff hasn't worked, and yes I've tried. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough? Maybe, but I've tried as hard as I can.

I used to get so mad at my mom. She was a very brittle diabetic. For years she would have super high and super low blood sugar levels. I constantly berated her for not managing her blood sugar. So many times, I found her just in time. Just in time to force juice down her throat, just in time to catch her before she fell out of her wheelchair and broke a hip, just in time to call the ambulance to administer a glucose shot. This happened all the time. Not once, not twice, but hundreds of times. HUNDREDS. And each time I would tell her she HAD TO DO BETTER. She had to TRY HARDER. And she swore she would. And the next day, same thing. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. OH, and I was so ANGRY. I'd yell, "What are we going to do if you kill yourself??????" "What do I tell Mia?" "Don't you love us????" TRY HARDER DAMNITTTTTTTT!

And then I didn't get there in time.

I found her dead in her wheelchair, from what I am guessing and believe with all my heart, was low blood sugar.

And I want to tell her now, Mom, I'm sorry, I KNOW YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD. YOU DID TRY HARD ENOUGH. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just can't get there. I forgive you. I'm not mad. I know! YOU TRIED.

WE have to realize and accept that someone's best is THEIR best, not our own. No need to judge their best. We need to respect that everyone is doing the best they can. We can offer help and encouragement, but we can't make them be any better, do any better, change.

So remember that for me please. When you see me in all my morbidly obese glory, or later, when I one day get surgery, I really am just doing the best I can. Just like my mom was, and just like you probably are too.

We all are. <3