Leaning Toward

After reading and reading and reading and reading, and then discussing and discussing and a little more discussion, I do believe I am leaning away from the Lap-Band in favor of the gastric sleeve. Nice run on huh? But that is exactly how my brain has been the last few days mulling this over!

Gastric sleeve, I think is the best choice for what I want to accomplish, what I want my future to look like, and what my relationship with food is. I still have to meet with my surgeon on Sept. 4. I'll listen to what he has to say, but both my hubs and I seem to think this is the best route for me.

I hope you Lap-Band Girls don't give up on me, and don't mind me continuing to stalk your blogs. :D

No Checklists in Life

I just can't figure out what to do. All the WLS options seem to have their pros and cons, and I am truly having a difficult time deciding. My BMI is 47.

I am afraid I'll fail with the Lap-Band. I mean, I've failed at everything so far, so I have ZERO confidence. I'm also not liking the stats of so many people needing it removed later, being sick, all the PB'ing and what not. I've seen so many success stories with it, but I've seen so many failures/struggles with it too. I don't want to have surgery and then, still NOT GET IT. I don't think I could handle that blow to my self esteem.

I'm kind of afraid of gastric bypass, as it is deemed the most risky in terms of mortality. But then, my surgeon is supposedly the shiz and would not dare kill me. He has a reputation of zero fatalities to uphold! But I also don't want nutritional deficiencies on down the line. And, well, everyone messes up sometimes, even top rated surgeons.

The sleeve is a bit new, so I am worried there just isn't enough data about removal of the stomach and future consequence. Mostly I worry that my stomach would no longer produce the hormone that creates hunger, and maybe, just maybe, that hormone is also responsible for something else important that we just don't know yet.

I have a month until I finish my WL trial. And then almost another month until my appointment with the surgeon. I am probably not looking at a surgery date until November at the VERY earliest, and more like January of 2014. So I have time to think. And research. And think some more. But it isn't like I haven't been doing that! I know I want to have WLS, and I was initially planning on Lap-Band, but now I am feeling conflicted.

How do you decide which is best for you? I wish there was a checklist to fill out and then you knew. Maybe some weight loss magazine could come up with the Which WLS Is Right For You ? quiz.

Round and Round We Go

Except well, maybe me and my rocking hubster.

After a good cry, and feeling quite defeated that I would not be covered, my husband just said, "call them, maybe you ARE covered." And I argued with him. I mean, the insurance specialist at the surgeon's office would know for sure, right? I mean, SHE WANTS me to get surgery, it is her job and that is how they make money. I told him over and over and he said I was just being negative. So I called. And I chatted with someone who said she didn't see five years listed anywhere. Then the hubs talked to her, and she said she'd email the policy specifics. Email never came. So hubs called again today for me on his lunch hour (LOVE HIM) and got a new representative, who ALSO said it didn't say that anywhere. This person actually emailed the document. 36 pages of document. Which I read, word for word. NOWHERE does it say anything about 5 years (which is good, because I missed on year by THREE pounds @@). So I called up the surgeon's office again, and the insurance specialist is amazed, and is going to call and grill them tomorrow. So it looks like (MAYBE) I will be covered. AND even more good news. If I qualify, they pay 90% when previously I thought 80%. Nervously awaiting tomorrow's phone call.

I might not qualify

So after five months of doing the weight loss trial, I was just informed that I needed to have a doctor's weight of a certain number every year for the past FIVE years. Well, um, I don't think I have doctor records for 2009 and possibly 2010 and even if I do, I was doing great some of that time, so the number won't be high enough. So bummed. But going to make some more calls tomorrow. I hate getting this information at the end of the business day so I can't make more calls. Effing great.

Exactly What I Need to Do

I saw this image on Facebook today, and boy did it kick me in the pants.

I NEED to stop talking/crying/whining/writing about my problems, and start thinking about the solutions.

That means:

1. I need to make grief counseling a priority, as I keep putting it off. I am on a waiting list but there are things I could do to make it happen faster.

2. I am very out of shape, just walking is work at this point. SO, solution, START WALKING MORE.

3. I need to continue researching WLS and make a DECISION on what I want to do, so I can start preparing myself and my family.

4. I need to stop feeling isolated and lonely in my grief and START reaching out to friends more. I don't need to wait for them to check on me, I can tell them what I need!

5. I am lonely without my mom. Solution, start working on building relationships with others to help fill that void. Honor her memory, but get what I need from those that are still here.

6. My anxiety has been paralyzing at times. I am on more medications so that is part of a solution, but I also need to use prayer and meditation more to help with this. I know when I use meditation combined with essential oils I am able to calm down, so I know this solution works. So then why don't I do it DAILY?



So there, I am thinking of solutions for these pains/problems in my life. At least for this MOMENT. Will I have set backs? Uh, for sure. But at the end of the day, I need to be working on how to get better, both physically, emotionally and spiritually. Staying in this place of pain is not good. It isn't good for me or my family. It isn't good for anything. It doesn't honor my mother or celebrate her life.

What are some problems you have in life, that you feel it is time to start finding solutions for?

Scales are FUN, right?

That's my girlie. She loves to weigh herself every time we go to Publix. And while she is wanting to always GAIN weight, because that means she's growing, I still hate it. I hate that at 4, she's already thinking in terms of half pounds. If she's 40lbs she's happy. 39.5, not so much.

It's not like we discuss this with her. The scale is there, she got on it once when she was little so we could see what she weighed, and now, it is a ritual. I don't want the scale to determine if she's growing.

I want her artwork to determine that she's growing in her creativity. The way she runs faster and with purpose, new games she learns, funny sayings she makes up and the songs she sings, oh! and books she can now sound out the words too. THOSE things determine she's growing up. Not half pound markers on some random scale at the place we buy food. The place that also gives away free cookies to keep your kid quiet while you shop. Don't get me started there.


My daughter isn't in school yet and we are pretty vigilant about what she watches/reads/sees/hears. She doesn't know I'm fat. She just knows my belly is comfy. She just knows my breasts are pretty big and jiggly and she likes to snuggle on them. She knows I am trying to eat healthier, so I can "run faster." Food fuels our bodies, and so that's a lot of how we discuss it. Will this apple make me run fast? How about this cookie? I don't know if this is the right or the wrong way to go about it, but she seems to be good with a balance of nutritious food and junk. Of course, given free reign, the cookie would always win.

They say the number one predictor of childhood obesity is the mother's weight.

I weigh over 300 lbs. (that was supposed to be a secret, but hey, I think you could probably just look at me and figure it out, so why lie?)

I don't want my girl to suffer what I suffer. Being out of breath, not running fast, not fitting places, feeling sluggish, insecure about her appearance. And then later, high blood pressure that stays a bit high even on three medications. Diabetes type 2 that will slowly destroy my body. And whatever else comes next.

So when I try to weigh the pros and cons of WLS, a lot of it is with her in mind. Is it going to help me be a better mother? Is going to save her from becoming me? I'm scared to have surgery, that I will have complications and not be here for her. But then I am scared I'll stay this way forever, here for her, and ultimately condemning her to a life of fatness.

And we all know, fat ain't fun.

Three Months Ago

Three months ago, I found my mother dead. I'm really hurting. This blog is not all weight loss, so if you don't want to hear about other stuff, this is not the place for you.

I have flashbacks every day of the moment my hand reached out to touch her bare back, only to find it cold, and her dead. I screamed and thrashed on the floor until neighbors came to help. I always knew this would happen "one day" but I was so ill prepared. I loved my mother. I know, we ALL love our mother's, but I REALLLLLLLLLY loved mine. She was such a huge part of our lives and I don't know how to function without her.

I have a million things I want to tell her. So much has happened in three months.

Mom,
Mia puts her head under water now. She likes My Little Pony instead of puppies now. Can you believe it? After all these years, no to dogs, and yes to ponies? The gardenias bloomed this year, first time ever. I know you would have loved them. The mosquitos are bad this year, you guys would not have been able to play on the swing set. Oh, and Mia hasn't used the swing set since you died. Jason took her to the park, and she didn't want to stay, She said swings weren't fun without her Gaegae. Oh, and you know how you think your dog was so sweet? Well, she's a stinker. She sits in front of the doggie door and won't let Dolly in sometimes. Dolly barks and barks, and Chloe just sits there watching. I sleep with a pillow from your bed every night. I dream of you all the time. I am sorry for the times I was a shit. I know there were a ton of them. I love the searger you got me! I can't believe you did that. I wish I could have thanked you. You were right, trimming the front tree did make it grow better. We never got to tell you, because you died the next day, we were going to surprise you with a Disney trip so you could see Mimi ride all the rides. I hate you never knew. Mia has Vacation Bible School next week, and I get to be an assistant teacher. The church has really tried to take care of me since you died. I shut down my sewing shop, but still have Tipsy Toast open. Daddy came to your service and said such beautiful things about you. He also said streetwalker in church. I wish I could have saved you. I know if I had checked on you the day before this would not have happened. I miss you. I hate not having you. I love you. You were awesome. Oh, and I wish we could make some tortillas from a mix, you know, homemade style.

I love you.

P.S. What do you think of this gastric sleeve stuff? Wish you could tell me your thoughts. You, while I never professed it before, we a smart lady, and I always valued your advice. Whatchya think?

This stuff has got to go

Oh, how I love thee, Diet Coke! But we must part ways. I don't know when I shall kick you to the curb for realz, but your days are numbered.

Declared yet Undecided

No, I'm not going back to college.

Today I had my 5th medically supervised weight loss appointment. I was up 5lb. That's a whole other story. See below post regarding need to eat birthday cake on a daily basis. Anyway, I have been doing the medically supervised weight loss trial for WLS approval, but had not yet decided if I was actually going to have surgery. Over the past few weeks, the hubs and I have discussed it at length, and he has FINALLY (he hates having opinions) said he thinks I should go for it, because he is concerned about my health. So I DECLARED to my doctor today that I do want surgery and I want the Lap-Band.

And now I'm undecided. His opinion (and I have not done any research yet) is that I should go with the gastric sleeve instead. He said he doesn't like the Lap-band for his patients for a few reasons: 1. not as effective 2. constant appointments 3. high rate of complications (while not serious) 4. Just a lot of hassle after the fact. He thinks sleeve would be a better route for me. He does not think gastric bypass is the way to go either, as I am just so young and can get plenty of exercise in once I get some of the initial weight off. I am a bit terrified of gastric bypass anyway, as I have seen all the media horror stories. Please take no offense of you have had GB, I am just saying my feelings of fear, not that you were right or wrong. He also said sleeve was way less risky than bypass because it is a much shorter surgery, and they do not mess with your intestines at all. So that sounds good.

So now I have declared I am going to do WLS, I am just undecided as to which one. Honestly, the band has appealed to me most because it was least invasive/risky. But reading about things like "sliming" and "PB'ing" have kind of turned me off to it. I want to follow the rules, chew, chew, chew, eat protein first, take small bites, ect, but from what I am reading many bandsters DO follow these rules and then still get sick?

This is a moment when I need my mother so much. She would analyze the HELL out of this with me, and go back and forth with me for hours about what is the right thing to do. She would never get sick of talking about it with me. She would pray with me, She would support me AND give her opinion, which few people seem capable of doing today. My husband will support me, in whatever I decide, but he isn't going to play the "let's discuss this for the next 34 hours straight" game with me. My mom would have. And she would have encouraged me no matter what. I MISS her so much. I know she wanted me to have LB surgery, but we had never discussed the sleeve.

Today when I came home there was a package on the doorstep. My sister-in-law had her church send a prayer comfort blanket for me. Basically it is a blanket the ladies prayed on to give the wearer comfort in time of loss/need/whatever. Very fitting since I need the comfort and advice of my mother, that I received it today. I don't know if it means something, but I am wearing it now, and while the tears have not stopped since I received it, it does feel warm and a bit like a snuggle. Nothing like Mama's snuggle, but still a nice snuggle.


What are your thoughts on the various WLS options? Have you had WLS? What did you choose and why?

P.S. it's been four days since my last slice of cake. That's progress, right?

Shake it up BABY Now, Shake it up Baby. . .

One of my biggest fears of bariatric surgery has been all this protein shake talk. I mean, I like a shake, of the Sonic variety, but I don't want to be drinking protein shakes as meals forever. I went to a support group and noticed about 1/3 of the people there were sipping protein shakes like they were martinis at a cocktail party. Not my idea of dinner or a party. I just want to be. . . ya know, NORMAL.

But then I got to thinking, protein shake or an entire large pizza? Which would normal people consider more normal? Protein shake or all you can eat Chinese buffet? Protein shake or $12 in tacos from Taco Hell? THAT's A LOT of tacos! See, I had been telling myself I wanted to eat "real" or "clean" food, and thus, protein shakes were not for me. Wayyyyy too processed. Ya know, like my Diet Coke is all natural. @@

So I decided to give it a go. I looked around online and actually found a site with all kinds of yummy protein shake recipes. I made a list, ran to the grocery and picked up my first powdered protein. I brought home a giant container of vanilla whey protein, thinking I was set for life. But here's the catch, they only fill them up half way!

Anyway, I made a couple of different shakes over the last couple of days, and they were actually GOOD. Like, yummy. Like, not quite from Sonic, but if there was a generic Sonic shake, maybe these could be one of them!

Here is my favorite one so far:

1/2 cup fat-free cottage cheese (sounds gross in a shake, but it isn't!)
1 scoop vanilla protein powder
1 tbs. fat-free cheesecake pudding mix
1 packet splenda
1/2 cup water
10 ice cubes or a few more
1/2 cup blue berries

This made a huge shake. Which makes me wonder, when drinking a shake after Lapband surgery, how many ounces can it be? This was probably close to 16, had less than 300 calories and a good 35-40 grams of protein. Plus blueberries, which are filled with antioxidants, and not too sweet if you worry about blood sugar.

Here is the website where I learned of this fabulousness: http://dashingdish.com/

So, that's one fear of bariatric surgery gone. I like protein shakes!

Tell me, what's your favorite shake recipe?

Fat, Sick and Sad

So I've been fat for a while. 12 years to be exact. I struggled with being a chubby girl but was always able to stay "just slim enough" to not be labeled fat. I always wanted to lose ten lbs. Then it became 20. Then 30. And now, today, at 38, I have 140lbs to lose. I would like to say I'm not sure how that happened, but I know how it did. It happened in 30-40lb chunks. One day I was struggling at 176, desperate to get back down to 150, and then, I was 210. And after a few years of maintaining 210, I was suddenly 250. Weight gain does happen over night for me. I am not the gain a couple pounds here and there girl. I either maintain, or pack it on faaaaast. Like supa fast. And it usually happens when something big is going on in my life. New move, quit smoking, another miscarriage, mom dies.




So, that leads me to this part. My mom just died. It's been almost 3 months. And I am swimming in a sea of grief, swallowing huge gulps of salt water as I try to catch my breath. My eyes are stinging, I'm sunburned, and sick of eating sand. I'm freaking exhausted. And this ocean is big, and there doesn't seem to be a lifeguard working anywhere nearby. And so I eat. And cry, and then have another piece of birthday cake. I've eaten more birthday cake in the last 3 months than I think I've probably eaten in my entire life. The cashiers have stopped asking "Ahh, so whose birthday?" and just ring up my cake now.


My mom died due to type one diabetes complications. She was just a teen when diagnosed, and it just pooped her body out. Amputations, constant hospitalizations, ongoing battle with staph/MRSA, neuropathy, partial blindness, quadruple bypass surgery, congestive heart failure. It was just a hard road. And oh how I wanted her to be healthy and how I nagged and nagged her to eat better, to follow her diabetes diet. And she just couldn't do it. She wasn't overweight, but she just couldn't seem to manage the balancing act of nutritious meals and the right amount of insulin. Her blood sugars went sky high and wayyyy too low. Oh it made me MAD! But here's the kicker: 9 months ago I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I cried, my mom cried harder, and we both vowed I would change, lose weight, do better, be healthier. And now I weigh 30lbs more than that day.


A couple of months before my mom died, I decided to think about getting Lapband surgery. I started the insurance mandated 6 months medically supervised weight loss trial. I'm four months in. I am pretty sure I am going to do it. I am also thinking about gastric bypass. I waiver between the two. But one or the other is going to happen, hopefully by the end of the year. If I could do it on my own, I would have already done it. I am not happy being obese, nor does it feel good. I am terrified of being ill, just like my mom was, and I have too much to live for. My girlie (4), my hubs, and for my mama looking down on me from Heaven.


I know surgery can't keep me from eating birthday cake. And so, I am also enrolling in grief counseling and hopefully some emotional therapy to work on why I turn to food for comfort. I know it isn't just my body that is suffering, it is my mind too. My body is just the part where it shows the most, as I waddle around, trying to fit in places that are too small for me. But it is my mind and emotions that made those seats at the theatre too small, and the jeans at regular stores too tight. It was my mind and emotions that got me this double chin and prevent me from jumping on a trampoline with my daughter.

I don't want my daughter to break into my home one day and find me slumped over, and to press her hand to my back and try and hold me, just to find I am ice cold and dead. And so, I've got to stop this way of life I've got. And get a new one. One where I nurture me, so I can love others, and LIVE.