down in my heart?
WHERE?
Down in my heart!
Where?
Down in my heart!
Today was not different from any other day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I didn't come to any new conclusions, win the lottery, or find the answer to all of life's problems.
I did, however, for the first time since my mom died, feel complete and utter joy! I hope it stays.
It was another random afternoon of cleaning, playing and hanging out around the house, and debating what to make for dinner (leftovers won). My sweet girl snuggled up into my lap crying. She was upset that I said we could not give the doggies a bath, because it is just too muddy outside. I comforted her, and my comfort led to kisses and tickles, which led to laughter and more kisses.
Now my girl, she doesn't like kisses! How can that be? When she was a newborn, I kissed her so much my lips cracked. I do not lie. I kissed her until it hurt! Maybe I overdid it? Anyway, she doesn't like to get them now, but she will give them. Since her new favorite game is counting to one hundred, she decided to give me one hundred kisses. And since she is such a sweet little thing, whenever we play this game, she pretends to forget where she is, so she has to go back and redo kisses. She does this for me, because she knows I eat those kisses right up. One hundred could never be enough for a kiss hungry mama like me. I get more like two hundred. She kisses my eyes, my ears, my nose, my lips, my fingers, even my chin! The only rule is I may not kiss back until the one hundredth kiss. For that one, it is smack on the lips, and as long as I dry my lips really, really well, I get to smootch her back!
Well, midway through this kissing extravaganza, I felt it. Something that I haven't felt in a long time. I felt the joy of being alive. The joy of having such sweetness and preciousness in my life. I immediately praised God for her, this life, this moment of joy. I thanked him for blessing me with such a strong, loving, and demonstrative relationship with my own mother, that I could have one with my daughter as well. My mom is the one who taught me the art of kisses and snuggles. I hate that my mother is gone, but she really taught me EVERYTHING I need to know. And that, is how to love. What else do you really need?
At this moment of joy, a moment of doubt then slipped in. :sigh: I became fearful. What if surgery was WRONG? What if I die? What if I don't live long enough to teach this girl all she needs to know about love? I panicked. I reached out to a few friends and shared my fear. They said PRAY. I did. Then the calm came. I realized, I want to teach my daughter how to be happy, and to do that, she needs to see me doing what makes me happy. I want her to see me run a half marathon, to go hiking in the mountains. I want her to hear me laugh as we ride bikes together, go down water slides together. I want her to learn more than to love, I want her to learn to be happy! This weight, it is holding me back. I am not as happy as I could be. Will WLS fix all my problems? No! But will it enrich my life? Absolutely.
So I have to go back to, "Jesus, I trust you." And I do. I trust that the outcome he wants for me will be what it is. I trust that if the worst case scenario happens, Jesus has my girl. Jesus will have a plan. I trust that if this surgery works out GREAT, Jesus is there for it. I trust, good or bad, or just somewhere in the middle, Jesus is going to be there to celebrate with me, or to help us pick up all the pieces.
So no more sneaky doubt during my moments of joy. They are mine, they are God given, and I am keeping them.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Social Media Lies and Real Life Truths
Isolation.
Lack of authenticity.
Social media lies.
A recurring theme in my therapy sessions are how I do not grow my authentic relationships because I take the easy cop out and seek support from solely online sources. My therapist argues (and I pretty much believe all that she says, as she is one smart cookie) that prior to my mom's death and the loss(loss of friendship, not death) of a very good online friend (within two months of one another) my life was full, and my emotional needs were met. I liked having what we call IRL (in real life) friends. I have several, and I love them. But I was able to weather storms and life's day to day without constant contact because I always had a listening ear and someone to fall back on. Both the online friend and my mother were ALWAYS there. I didn't have to "work" at relationships, because I had these super easy ones. The one with my mom, well she was my MOM. She was always there to listen, to be there, and her life basically revolved around ours. The other friend filled that girlfriend role so well, that even though we never met, I felt I had a best bud, someone to always listen and who was there. But while I loved her, I realize a relationship online is NOT the same as IRL. I will never be there to watch her kids for her in an emergency, and she mine. I will never give her a big hug when something devastating happens, nor she me. She won't see my tears or know I am crying as we chat it up on FB. Still, it was genuine feelings on both our parts. Unfortunately things went South, and that friendship ended. I also have an amazing group of online women that I can chit chat the day to day mom stuff with. And other stuff too.
But here's the deal. I lost two pillars of my support system, of my constant relationships. And the online group, well, having such easy and great access to that, means instead of reaching out to other IRL friends, I post there. I get the immediate gratification of instant responses. While that is awesome, it causes me to not call other friends and foster relationships with them. I lose the dialogue a local friend and I could have had, and thus, I drift slowly away.
When the shit hit, I was so blessed. Online, IRL, family, friends, everywhere and everyone, the support and kindness was amazing. It has literally reshaped my world view.
Even so, social media is lying to me. Just because 50 some odd people "like" that my insurance is approved, does not in any way deepen my relationship with them. Nor do they really share in my joy. And by posting it on FB, the people I could have called and talked about it with, shared my joy, relief and yes, newfound nervousness with, didn't get a call. Instead of sharing that moment with me, they got the opportunity to like it on FB. The end. So while, as a result of FB, I may "share" more of my life with more people, it is not authentic, and it does not deepen relationships, rather it eventually causes stagnation and distance.
So this is something I am working on. I am working on reaching out more to IRL friends and family members. I am working on not waiting to be invited somewhere, but making the invitations. I am making the call, instead of passively sitting around, and waiting for my phone to ring. It is working. I am getting out more, but not overextending myself by seeing too many people that I am flustered or that I am spread too thin. I am working on getting closer to a few people, and putting more into those relationships, and less into others. Which is good. But it also kind of sucks. I ain't gonna lie. I love me some online peeps. Always have, and always will. But by relying on them exclusively to share information, both good and bad, throughout the day, I am isolating myself and, as I already said, creating a divide in other relationships.
All this to say, I went back to my ladies sewing group this week. This is the first time I've been in quite some time. I kept making excuses to not go. I don't know why! I went this week, and it was such a relief. Such a relief to sit and sew, and listen and participate in chatter, and to hear women fellowship and talk about the Lord. It was such a relief to hear the devotions, and to pray in a group. The lesson was so what I needed to hear. It changed how I am processing my grief, and how I am viewing my upcoming bariatric surgery.
The lesson? Jesus, I trust you.
Jesus I trust you, when I am not sure why my husband is cranky. Jesus, I trust you when I am not sure if I am making the right parenting choice. Jesus, I trust you when I go to therapy each week. Jesus, I trust you, as I reach out more to the homeless and others. Jesus, I trust you, even though I am grieving and cannot ever possibly be the same. Jesus, I trust you.
See, catastrophes in life happen. We all suffer loss, be it via death, unemployment, divorce, WHATEVER. Our lives can change in a second. And in the pain, it is so easy to take a step away from God. It is so easy to become bitter, and to not only isolate ourselves from our loved ones, but also from the love of our Creator. But that is what we cannot (or at least I cannot) do, for then all hope is lost. It is in these times, we have to say, "Lord, I am hurting so bad. This pain is like no other I have felt. Jesus, I trust you, in this awful, awful time of my life. Jesus, I trust YOU." By doing this, the pain is not gone, the grief is still there, but the bitterness and anger aren't. It is this, that lets us take our worst moments, and not turn them into good, because there is nothing good about losing someone you love, but make good come out of them.
My mother died suddenly and discovering her body has been the most traumatic experience of my life. But I realized I did not want her death to just be another day, and nothing change. I refuse to let her go, and me not take anything from that. What I learned in her death was kindness and grace. People, strangers, friends, family, even people who I KNOW weren't necessarily fond of me, reached out to me in my suffering. I hurt so bad. I was a walking sore. And people responded with love, kindness, generosity, and grace. Now, not everyone is emotional like me and not everyone feels the need to share every single emotion they are feeling, as I so seem to do. But death IS happening all around us. So if I am feeling this pain and if I NEED this kindness so much, I imagine so many more people do too. People that I don't realize need kindness are desperate for it. They deserve it. So this has made me want to be kinder. This has made me want to give grace. I do fall short, and my temper does get the best of me, but I am striving to be kinder and to let stuff go. To give grace.
I also care more about those in need. For years I helped take care of my mother, and if not for my husband and me, she very well could have been homeless. Those people on the streets don't have a daughter willing to take them on, or if they do, for some reason it hasn't worked. So I want to be their daughter in whatever way I can. I want to deliver meals to homebound seniors that need that help, just as my mother needed it. I want to reach out and give and love, just as everyone needs and deserves.
We ALL deserve that.
Lack of authenticity.
Social media lies.
A recurring theme in my therapy sessions are how I do not grow my authentic relationships because I take the easy cop out and seek support from solely online sources. My therapist argues (and I pretty much believe all that she says, as she is one smart cookie) that prior to my mom's death and the loss(loss of friendship, not death) of a very good online friend (within two months of one another) my life was full, and my emotional needs were met. I liked having what we call IRL (in real life) friends. I have several, and I love them. But I was able to weather storms and life's day to day without constant contact because I always had a listening ear and someone to fall back on. Both the online friend and my mother were ALWAYS there. I didn't have to "work" at relationships, because I had these super easy ones. The one with my mom, well she was my MOM. She was always there to listen, to be there, and her life basically revolved around ours. The other friend filled that girlfriend role so well, that even though we never met, I felt I had a best bud, someone to always listen and who was there. But while I loved her, I realize a relationship online is NOT the same as IRL. I will never be there to watch her kids for her in an emergency, and she mine. I will never give her a big hug when something devastating happens, nor she me. She won't see my tears or know I am crying as we chat it up on FB. Still, it was genuine feelings on both our parts. Unfortunately things went South, and that friendship ended. I also have an amazing group of online women that I can chit chat the day to day mom stuff with. And other stuff too.
But here's the deal. I lost two pillars of my support system, of my constant relationships. And the online group, well, having such easy and great access to that, means instead of reaching out to other IRL friends, I post there. I get the immediate gratification of instant responses. While that is awesome, it causes me to not call other friends and foster relationships with them. I lose the dialogue a local friend and I could have had, and thus, I drift slowly away.
When the shit hit, I was so blessed. Online, IRL, family, friends, everywhere and everyone, the support and kindness was amazing. It has literally reshaped my world view.
Even so, social media is lying to me. Just because 50 some odd people "like" that my insurance is approved, does not in any way deepen my relationship with them. Nor do they really share in my joy. And by posting it on FB, the people I could have called and talked about it with, shared my joy, relief and yes, newfound nervousness with, didn't get a call. Instead of sharing that moment with me, they got the opportunity to like it on FB. The end. So while, as a result of FB, I may "share" more of my life with more people, it is not authentic, and it does not deepen relationships, rather it eventually causes stagnation and distance.
So this is something I am working on. I am working on reaching out more to IRL friends and family members. I am working on not waiting to be invited somewhere, but making the invitations. I am making the call, instead of passively sitting around, and waiting for my phone to ring. It is working. I am getting out more, but not overextending myself by seeing too many people that I am flustered or that I am spread too thin. I am working on getting closer to a few people, and putting more into those relationships, and less into others. Which is good. But it also kind of sucks. I ain't gonna lie. I love me some online peeps. Always have, and always will. But by relying on them exclusively to share information, both good and bad, throughout the day, I am isolating myself and, as I already said, creating a divide in other relationships.
All this to say, I went back to my ladies sewing group this week. This is the first time I've been in quite some time. I kept making excuses to not go. I don't know why! I went this week, and it was such a relief. Such a relief to sit and sew, and listen and participate in chatter, and to hear women fellowship and talk about the Lord. It was such a relief to hear the devotions, and to pray in a group. The lesson was so what I needed to hear. It changed how I am processing my grief, and how I am viewing my upcoming bariatric surgery.
The lesson? Jesus, I trust you.
Jesus I trust you, when I am not sure why my husband is cranky. Jesus, I trust you when I am not sure if I am making the right parenting choice. Jesus, I trust you when I go to therapy each week. Jesus, I trust you, as I reach out more to the homeless and others. Jesus, I trust you, even though I am grieving and cannot ever possibly be the same. Jesus, I trust you.
See, catastrophes in life happen. We all suffer loss, be it via death, unemployment, divorce, WHATEVER. Our lives can change in a second. And in the pain, it is so easy to take a step away from God. It is so easy to become bitter, and to not only isolate ourselves from our loved ones, but also from the love of our Creator. But that is what we cannot (or at least I cannot) do, for then all hope is lost. It is in these times, we have to say, "Lord, I am hurting so bad. This pain is like no other I have felt. Jesus, I trust you, in this awful, awful time of my life. Jesus, I trust YOU." By doing this, the pain is not gone, the grief is still there, but the bitterness and anger aren't. It is this, that lets us take our worst moments, and not turn them into good, because there is nothing good about losing someone you love, but make good come out of them.
My mother died suddenly and discovering her body has been the most traumatic experience of my life. But I realized I did not want her death to just be another day, and nothing change. I refuse to let her go, and me not take anything from that. What I learned in her death was kindness and grace. People, strangers, friends, family, even people who I KNOW weren't necessarily fond of me, reached out to me in my suffering. I hurt so bad. I was a walking sore. And people responded with love, kindness, generosity, and grace. Now, not everyone is emotional like me and not everyone feels the need to share every single emotion they are feeling, as I so seem to do. But death IS happening all around us. So if I am feeling this pain and if I NEED this kindness so much, I imagine so many more people do too. People that I don't realize need kindness are desperate for it. They deserve it. So this has made me want to be kinder. This has made me want to give grace. I do fall short, and my temper does get the best of me, but I am striving to be kinder and to let stuff go. To give grace.
I also care more about those in need. For years I helped take care of my mother, and if not for my husband and me, she very well could have been homeless. Those people on the streets don't have a daughter willing to take them on, or if they do, for some reason it hasn't worked. So I want to be their daughter in whatever way I can. I want to deliver meals to homebound seniors that need that help, just as my mother needed it. I want to reach out and give and love, just as everyone needs and deserves.
We ALL deserve that.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
That Ole Plan Saying
Failure to plan is a plan to failure. Yeah that one. It's TRUE. I guess that is how sayings become sayings.
Lately we've had zero plans, so we eat junk. When you are starving, frozen pizza is way easier than cutting up veggies. Taco Bell beats going home and making lunch. And sitting on the sofa, why, it is soooo much easier than going to the gym.
Honestly, it is like I've said to heck with it. We have eaten horribly for the past month and gotten in little to no exercise.
It's bad. Like I went to the mall with a girlfriend the other day, and walking from store to store was tiring. And we only went to like four. Pitiful.
I went on a cruise, and walking to the dining room exhausted me. :sighs: :smk: :biggest eye roll on the freaking planet:
My mom and I used to sing this little song when I was a kid. We really got into it, yelling and acting all crazy. We were like that. A lot. That's one of the best memories I have of my mom. WE would snuggle in bed and sing and act all crazy. Once we lived in an apartment, and we were having so much fun, the manage came and said we needed to quiet down. Ha! We snuggled loud. We loved loud. We lived loud.
The song:
Chooty Chooty Bang Bang,
Look at Tara (or whoever) do her thang!
--I can't!
Uh, why not?
--I just can't!
Uh WHY NOT????
--My back hurts,
My skirt's too tight!
My bootay shakes from the left,
To the right,
From the left and to the right!
I swear, that is the definition of me. My back hurts, my clothes are too tight, and I have most certainly not been able to do my THANG! Whatever that might be.
So it's time to plan.
I meal planned breakfast, lunch and dinner for the week for EVERYONE! Yes ,there are some meals where my child gets other food. I'm not a parenting genius, that's for sure.
I have chore lists for the house, plus the Motivated Mom's app on my phone.
I am charging my Fitbit and challenging my steps. Hi Ruby!
I am going to the gym on TUESDAY and THRUSDAY, no matter what.
I have a plan. The plan, may not be perfect, or intense or amazing. But the plan, is definitely not a plan to failure.
Chooty Chooty Bang Bang, look at Tara do her Thang!
I miss you mom. It's a lot harder without you, and not any fun. But I'm going to try. And first thing tomorrow, Mia is learning to sing Chooty Chooty Bang Bang!
Lately we've had zero plans, so we eat junk. When you are starving, frozen pizza is way easier than cutting up veggies. Taco Bell beats going home and making lunch. And sitting on the sofa, why, it is soooo much easier than going to the gym.
Honestly, it is like I've said to heck with it. We have eaten horribly for the past month and gotten in little to no exercise.
It's bad. Like I went to the mall with a girlfriend the other day, and walking from store to store was tiring. And we only went to like four. Pitiful.
I went on a cruise, and walking to the dining room exhausted me. :sighs: :smk: :biggest eye roll on the freaking planet:
My mom and I used to sing this little song when I was a kid. We really got into it, yelling and acting all crazy. We were like that. A lot. That's one of the best memories I have of my mom. WE would snuggle in bed and sing and act all crazy. Once we lived in an apartment, and we were having so much fun, the manage came and said we needed to quiet down. Ha! We snuggled loud. We loved loud. We lived loud.
The song:
Chooty Chooty Bang Bang,
Look at Tara (or whoever) do her thang!
--I can't!
Uh, why not?
--I just can't!
Uh WHY NOT????
--My back hurts,
My skirt's too tight!
My bootay shakes from the left,
To the right,
From the left and to the right!
I swear, that is the definition of me. My back hurts, my clothes are too tight, and I have most certainly not been able to do my THANG! Whatever that might be.
So it's time to plan.
I meal planned breakfast, lunch and dinner for the week for EVERYONE! Yes ,there are some meals where my child gets other food. I'm not a parenting genius, that's for sure.
I have chore lists for the house, plus the Motivated Mom's app on my phone.
I am charging my Fitbit and challenging my steps. Hi Ruby!
I am going to the gym on TUESDAY and THRUSDAY, no matter what.
I have a plan. The plan, may not be perfect, or intense or amazing. But the plan, is definitely not a plan to failure.
Chooty Chooty Bang Bang, look at Tara do her Thang!
I miss you mom. It's a lot harder without you, and not any fun. But I'm going to try. And first thing tomorrow, Mia is learning to sing Chooty Chooty Bang Bang!
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