But I Do Have People

My last blog post discussed the idea of being personless and the resulting loneliness and sense of isolation that results from that. You can read about my struggle with being personless here .

I miss my mother every day. And that is not ever going to change. As I said in my previous post, she WAS MY PERSON. I doubt I will ever have a person again.

But I do have people. I have lots of people that bless me continuously even though I feel I don't deserve it.

I have isolated myself so much over the years. Don't get me wrong, I was social! I had friends. But I did not LEAN on my friends. I loved them, I loved being with them, but they were not who held me up. All of my needs were met by my person and my family. Now I have all these needs that aren't being met, and yet, others are finding ways to help me. It is so hard for me to ask for that help, as I was always so reliant on myself, my family, and my mother to pretty meet all of my physical and emotional needs.

There are so many kind, kind people in my life, who constantly bless and love me. I have lost so much, but I feel like that loss has opened my eyes to so much that I do have. Now, I won't lie. I'd rather have my mom back and my eyes shut tight, but since that is not going to happen, I am so grateful for all the wonderful women in my life.

I realized in my last therapy session, that I AM finding ways to get my needs met. I am using - hate that word but it is true- others to fill the gap. It takes many, many people to replace a Person though.

I have a beautiful friend who also owns an Etsy shop. She is who I now bounce ideas off of, show my new products to, and just generally discuss Etsy cuteness. She looks at everything I make, and always let's me know it's CUTE! ;)

I have a friend who prays for me, encourages me in my weight loss, and gives me encouraging words constantly. This lovely friend made me the most precious gift, which I plan to blog about soon.

I have an online friend who just tells me random things because she knows I miss having someone to tell random things too. We are the random girls, in my mind. :D

I have friends who plan events and then reschedule them just so I can come, so I can see my daughter play and hunt Easter eggs with their kids. They bless me by reminding me my presence is important. Even though I may hole up and hide away, I am wanted.

My sister in law who constantly posts cute messages to me on FB. She lets me know I am thought about.

I have a friend who loves my daughter, much like a grandmother would. It blesses me to see someone LOVE my daughter. To hug her and miss her and buy her little presents. To think of her with gifts like balloons and flowers. Without her, I wouldn't see anyone else doing this.

I have my therapist. She listens to every single thing I have to say, and does so without judgement. She is always in my corner, much like my mother was. Her goal is always to figure out what is best for me.

There's a whole bunch more too. My husband, my in-laws, other friends, my dad, countless online friends, weight loss surgery support groups, preschool mom friends who listen to me ramble. So many good people are in my life!

I know this post sounds so incredibly selfish. I don't mean it to. For years I had a person that did these things: made me feel special, praised my efforts, wanted only my happinessa above all others, adored my daughter, and so much more. Maybe I was spoiled having such a fabulous person. In fact, I know I was. the shock of not having her has been . . . hasbeenfreakingawful.

But I do have people. And I know I have to continue to reach out to them. I have to graciously accept their love and support, and the new roles they play in my life. And I have to learn to start reciprocating. I need to be a part of other people's PEOPLE.

That is how I think I will heal.