Inspiration

Last night I attended a weight loss surgery fashion show at my bariatric surgeon's hospital. It was absolutely AMAZING.

Each participant also got to speak a few minutes or do a Q and A with the surgeon. Every single person was so emotional and so glad they had done the surgery. I heard over and over again, "If you are thinking about it, just do it."

I know whose are the success stories, but to hear about their transformations from sick and immobile, to healthy and active, was awesome.

I want to be that story.


HERE is a the Facebook page if you want to see some of the models.

All Kinds of Confused, or Not

I see my surgeon on the 4th. I know he is a TOP NOTCH surgeon. The best of the best. Except, well, the procedure I want, he does, but has only done a handful of times. . . This makes me nervous. My insurance makes it almost impossible for me to go anywhere else.

But, my friend yesterday repeatedly told me a verse, which I now cannot remember, (how can I forget the verse, she told me several times)! But it was quite simple, and it was basically I will have no fear, and put my faith in God. And I do feel this is the surgery for me, and that I will be safe.

This is my theme song sung by the fabulous and talented Matt Redman.



On another note, I see my grief counselor for the first time today. I am also going to talk to her about the surgery. I figure she can do two jobs at once, help me with grief, and help me with emotional eating.

A friend posted this article yesterday about grief, and I really enjoyed it. As in I got it.

So there. That's all I got.

Second Chances

I want a second chance.

I know I got myself into this mess of obesity, but I need help getting out. I've tried and tried, and failed and failed. I just want a second chance. A chance to do it right. A chance at health, feeling good, mobility, activeness, life.

I wish others could see it as that. I feel so many view WLS with such negativity, such harshness, such judgment. I get it. I DID this to myself. I am human. I messed up. But I don't want to live with the consequences of it forever. I refuse to punish myself, hate myself, or judge myself anymore. I am a child of God, I make mistakes, but God forgives me, and thus, I do too. I am fat, but I am not less than.

I am a daughter, wife, mother and friend. I am funny, kind and strong. I am compassionate and feisty. I am good peeps. Most of the time.

I'm ready for this.

Sept fourth, get here!

Getting Better Makes it Worse - Sometimes

My doctor started me on an antidepressant a couple of weeks ago. And yeah, noticeable change. As my girl's favorite Disney show would say, "I feel better, so much better, thank you Doc for taking all the ouchies away." She watches lots of television lately, and so I have learned all the songs. These are the songs of my grief.

Anyway, I'm able to occupy myself with very important things, like Facebook, My Little Pony décor for my girl's 5th birthday (which is still four months away @@), and Jessica Sorensen novels. I can even grocery shop now, occasionally make dinner, and go around large groups of people without having a panic attack.

But then, then the grief hits. And it sucks. Because it feels brand new again. When I'm sad all the time, it is a constant ache. Constant crying, constant panic attack, constant loss. When I forget to be sad, and then am sad, it is a sharper, deeper pain. Not constant, but still all that much more powerful because it happens all at once, in a single moment. It knocks the shiz right out of me. Then the self loathing comes. Feeling guilty for momentarily feeling okay. Not happy, but okay. Guilt for using drugs (legally prescribed)to smash down the sadness. I feel like I am dishonoring her, by forgetting her with a pill. Not that I forget, just that I don't constantly remember. Yes, I KNOW that I am wrong, that thinking like that is wrong, but it is how I FEEL. Feelings suck. Thus, I take my pill.

I really, really am sad. It just doesn't always show.

Rereading this, I know I sound like a melodramatic fool. But I am who I am, and as my old friend used to say, it is what it is.

When Will It Be

I called and talked to the coordinator at my surgeon's office and the time frame I am looking at is surgery in either December or January, just depending on insurance approval and his schedule. . . So I'll either be ending the year with my fresh start, or starting the new year with a new me. I am hoping it is December, because honestly this Christmas is going to be sooo hard for me, and it would be a good distraction and something to focus on.

I am going to keep my goal small and attainable right now. I have a hard time focusing on much right now due to my grief, so I am going to say I would like to lose 25lbs before my I go on the pre-op diet. I can do that. I CAN do that.

My daughter and I recently started to pass out meals to the homeless once a week. I wonder what these hungry people think seeing my big a** bringing them sandwiches?

Leaning Toward

After reading and reading and reading and reading, and then discussing and discussing and a little more discussion, I do believe I am leaning away from the Lap-Band in favor of the gastric sleeve. Nice run on huh? But that is exactly how my brain has been the last few days mulling this over!

Gastric sleeve, I think is the best choice for what I want to accomplish, what I want my future to look like, and what my relationship with food is. I still have to meet with my surgeon on Sept. 4. I'll listen to what he has to say, but both my hubs and I seem to think this is the best route for me.

I hope you Lap-Band Girls don't give up on me, and don't mind me continuing to stalk your blogs. :D

No Checklists in Life

I just can't figure out what to do. All the WLS options seem to have their pros and cons, and I am truly having a difficult time deciding. My BMI is 47.

I am afraid I'll fail with the Lap-Band. I mean, I've failed at everything so far, so I have ZERO confidence. I'm also not liking the stats of so many people needing it removed later, being sick, all the PB'ing and what not. I've seen so many success stories with it, but I've seen so many failures/struggles with it too. I don't want to have surgery and then, still NOT GET IT. I don't think I could handle that blow to my self esteem.

I'm kind of afraid of gastric bypass, as it is deemed the most risky in terms of mortality. But then, my surgeon is supposedly the shiz and would not dare kill me. He has a reputation of zero fatalities to uphold! But I also don't want nutritional deficiencies on down the line. And, well, everyone messes up sometimes, even top rated surgeons.

The sleeve is a bit new, so I am worried there just isn't enough data about removal of the stomach and future consequence. Mostly I worry that my stomach would no longer produce the hormone that creates hunger, and maybe, just maybe, that hormone is also responsible for something else important that we just don't know yet.

I have a month until I finish my WL trial. And then almost another month until my appointment with the surgeon. I am probably not looking at a surgery date until November at the VERY earliest, and more like January of 2014. So I have time to think. And research. And think some more. But it isn't like I haven't been doing that! I know I want to have WLS, and I was initially planning on Lap-Band, but now I am feeling conflicted.

How do you decide which is best for you? I wish there was a checklist to fill out and then you knew. Maybe some weight loss magazine could come up with the Which WLS Is Right For You ? quiz.