My doctor started me on an antidepressant a couple of weeks ago. And yeah, noticeable change. As my girl's favorite Disney show would say, "I feel better, so much better, thank you Doc for taking all the ouchies away." She watches lots of television lately, and so I have learned all the songs. These are the songs of my grief.
Anyway, I'm able to occupy myself with very important things, like Facebook, My Little Pony décor for my girl's 5th birthday (which is still four months away @@), and Jessica Sorensen novels. I can even grocery shop now, occasionally make dinner, and go around large groups of people without having a panic attack.
But then, then the grief hits. And it sucks. Because it feels brand new again. When I'm sad all the time, it is a constant ache. Constant crying, constant panic attack, constant loss. When I forget to be sad, and then am sad, it is a sharper, deeper pain. Not constant, but still all that much more powerful because it happens all at once, in a single moment. It knocks the shiz right out of me. Then the self loathing comes. Feeling guilty for momentarily feeling okay. Not happy, but okay. Guilt for using drugs (legally prescribed)to smash down the sadness. I feel like I am dishonoring her, by forgetting her with a pill. Not that I forget, just that I don't constantly remember. Yes, I KNOW that I am wrong, that thinking like that is wrong, but it is how I FEEL. Feelings suck. Thus, I take my pill.
I really, really am sad. It just doesn't always show.
Rereading this, I know I sound like a melodramatic fool. But I am who I am, and as my old friend used to say, it is what it is.
I don't think you sound melodramatic...you sound like you are grieving...a natural normal process...it's ok to feel ALL those things at any time. I hope that writing helps process it some. I'm sorry you are sad.
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